Change is my middle name these days.
Change has never been my strong suit. Naturally, the Lord blessed me with a military man, so I am no stranger to it, now. I feel I have done a pretty darn good job in accepting change, growing, confronting it, and even encouraging others through their own changes. All the while, deep down inside I was fighting tooth and nail for things to stay the same. I am not sure why I would have thought motherhood would be any different.
They said, “Get pregnant, have a kid, it will be fun.” Well, it has been fun but the changes along the way have made it a very bumpy road and I am only six months in. But the most extreme change of my entire life was taking a break from my career to raise our son. Let me first say that I know how incredibly blessed I am to have the option to stay at home with him. I truly do treasure this time but, in those low moments, I can’t help but think of all that I have given up.
I love my job. I work one-on-one with special needs communities. Everyday, I engage with the most amazing children, encouraging them to live their most fulfilling life possible. I, the person who doesn’t like change, PUSH change on these humans on a daily basis! These kiddos needed me then and they still need me now. Together we accomplished so much. The growth can be slow, but is so rewarding! This is the addictive part of my career. It is never ending. There are always new skills that we can teach, always deficiencies that need to be addressed. In return they light up my life. They have taught me so much about myself and give me a reason to practice the art of patience.
I have been accused of being a workaholic since I was young. I started working when I was thirteen and never looked back. It truly became my identity. I was working sixty hours minimum up until the night before I gave birth. My body knew, I had given myself a date and my body responded exactly the way I had planned. My job can be stressful. I am addicted to stress. This was not healthy for me during my pregnancy and it isn’t healthy for me now, so I am committed to taking these five years to dedicate to my son, to reset and find true balance in my life.
I am taking a break from the stress, from the demand, from the challenges, but unfortunately that also means giving up the constant collaboration with other adults. I wish I had a team to help raise my child like my special needs kids have. A team that is in constant communication about what is best for them, what we can do to improve their lives socially, physically, emotionally, and mentally. This is where I find the loneliness. The constant worrying; am I doing the right thing for my son? Sure, I speak with family on the phone but let’s face it, they aren’t always the most honest simply because they love me and know that I am trying my best as a mom. What if my best isn’t good enough and no one is telling me this?
My husband works long hours and being alone is hard. To top it off when my son was a month old we were re-stationed from Hawaii to Washington. It has been a slow process making other mom friends. They say raising a child takes a village. I miss my village. I had made amazing connections there and have no doubt that my son would have benefitted greatly from being around those people.
I miss my village. I miss Hawaii, my paradise. It is so easy to let your mind wander to how you think you will raise your child, where you will raise your child. Letting go of those dreams and just letting life happen the way it should is hard.
Change. Change is hard for me. Is it hard for you?
Was changing from a working mom to a stay-at-home-mom hard for you?
How are YOU embracing the changes?